1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

7. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

8. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.

9. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

10. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

11. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

12. Her cooking is excellent.

13. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

14. Dish soap is your friend.

15. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

16. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

17. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

18. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

19. Two words: clean socks.

20. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.

21. Burping is not sexy.

22. You're wrong.

23. You're sorry.

24. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

25. Ditto for your discourse on football.

26. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

27. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

28. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

29. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

30. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

31. Always, always suck up to her brother.

32. Think boxers. Silk boxers.

33. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.

34. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything!